WHY ISLAM EMPHASISES KINDNESS, RESPECT, AND GRATITUDE TOWARDS OUR PARENTS
There are sacrifices we do not fully understand until we grow older. There are prayers we may never hear, worries we may never notice, and acts of love we may only begin to appreciate when life gives us a better understanding of what it means to care for someone.
For many of us, these sacrifices came from our parents.
They may have spent sleepless nights caring for us, worked hard to provide for our needs, worried about our future, and made personal sacrifices so that we could have opportunities they never had. Even when they made mistakes, many parents tried, within their abilities and circumstances, to give their children a better life.
Yet, as we grow older, it is possible to become so occupied with our own ambitions that we forget the people who helped us along the way.
We may become impatient when our parents repeat themselves. We may dismiss their advice because we believe we know better. We may find time for friends, social media, work, and entertainment but struggle to give our parents a few minutes of genuine attention.
Sometimes, we assume there will always be another opportunity to call them, visit them, or tell them how much they mean to us.
But life is temporary, and the opportunity to express our love should never be taken for granted.
This is why the Qur’an places such great emphasis on treating parents with kindness.
In Islam, honouring our parents is not merely a cultural expectation. It is a religious responsibility that reflects our gratitude, humility, and obedience to Allah.
The Qur’an provides clear guidance on how we should speak to our parents, respond to their needs, handle disagreements, and remember them in our prayers.
Let us reflect on these teachings and consider how we can apply them in our daily lives.
1. ALLAH COMMANDS US TO WORSHIP HIM AND TREAT OUR PARENTS WITH KINDNESS
Allah says in the Qur’an:
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and to parents, good treatment.” — Qur’an 17:23.
This verse places kindness to parents immediately after the command to worship Allah alone.
The placement of this instruction reminds us of the seriousness of our responsibilities towards our parents.
Our faith should not be limited to what we do in the mosque, how often we recite the Qur’an, or how much religious knowledge we share with others. It should also influence how we behave at home, especially towards those who have cared for us.
What does it mean to be devoted to Allah while constantly speaking harshly to our parents?
What does it mean to remind others about good character while refusing to listen when our parents need our attention?
These questions invite us to examine ourselves honestly.
We may be polite to strangers but impatient with our mothers. We may respect people in positions of authority but dismiss our fathers when they offer advice. We may be willing to help others while neglecting our parents’ reasonable needs.
The Qur’an reminds us that kindness to parents is an important part of righteous conduct.
This kindness includes speaking respectfully, offering assistance, showing consideration, and recognising their dignity.
It does not mean that parents are always correct or that every disagreement must end with their opinion prevailing. Rather, it means that we should approach our relationship with them with gratitude, fairness, and good character.
2. NEVER SPEAK TO YOUR PARENTS WITH CONTEMPT
One of the most powerful instructions in the Qur’an concerns the way we speak to our parents.
Allah says:
“So do not say to them [so much as], ‘uff,’ and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” — Qur’an 17:23.
The word “uff” expresses even a small sign of irritation or displeasure.
Consider how easily this can happen in everyday life.
Your mother asks you a question you have already answered, and you respond impatiently.
Your father gives you advice you do not agree with, and you interrupt him before he finishes speaking.
Your parents ask for your help when you are busy, and you make them feel like a burden.
Sometimes, we assume that as long as we do not use openly insulting words, we have behaved appropriately. However, disrespect can also appear in our tone, gestures, facial expressions, and unwillingness to listen.
The Qur’an instructs us to speak to our parents with dignity.
This does not mean that we must agree with everything they say. We can disagree without humiliating them. We can explain our decisions without shouting. We can express our concerns without deliberately hurting their feelings.
Before responding in anger, take a moment to pause.
Ask yourself whether your words are necessary, whether your tone is appropriate, and whether there is a kinder way to express what you mean.
A simple change in the way we speak can make a significant difference in a family relationship.
Respect is not demonstrated only by what we say when we are happy. It is also revealed by how we speak when we are frustrated.
3. TREAT YOUR PARENTS WITH HUMILITY AND MERCY
Allah continues in the same passage:
“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'” — Qur’an 17:24.
This verse teaches us to approach our parents with humility and mercy.
When we were young, we depended on others for almost everything. We needed help with food, clothing, safety, education, and countless everyday responsibilities.
Our parents or caregivers may have spent years meeting those needs, often while managing difficulties we were too young to understand.
As we grow older, we may become more educated, financially independent, or experienced in certain areas of life. We may even find ourselves earning more than our parents or making decisions they do not fully understand.
But our progress should never become an excuse for arrogance.
If your mother struggles with a task that seems easy to you, assist her patiently.
If your father needs you to explain something more than once, try to respond with consideration.
If your parents are growing older and becoming more dependent, remember that their changing circumstances do not diminish their dignity.
Humility means recognising that our abilities and achievements do not make us superior in human worth.
Mercy means responding to their needs with compassion rather than contempt.
The Qur’an also teaches us to pray for them, remembering the care they provided when we were small.
This supplication is a reminder that just as we need Allah’s mercy, our parents need His mercy too.
4. REMEMBER THE SACRIFICES YOUR MOTHER MADE
Allah says:
“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness…” — Qur’an 31:14.
This verse draws attention to the difficulties associated with pregnancy and the sacrifices a mother may make while raising her child.
Pregnancy can involve physical discomfort, exhaustion, and significant changes to the body. Childbirth can be difficult, and caring for a young child often requires patience, attention, and interrupted sleep.
Many mothers continue caring for their children while dealing with challenges their children may never fully understand.
As we grow older, it can be easy to become so focused on our own lives that we forget what our mothers endured.
We may forget the times they worried about our health, stayed awake when we were sick, or made sacrifices to provide for our needs.
Sometimes, we take their presence for granted because it has become part of our everyday lives.
But gratitude requires us to recognise what we have received.
If your mother is alive, consider whether you make time to check on her, listen to her concerns, and show appreciation for her efforts.
A phone call may seem ordinary to you, but it may bring comfort to a mother who misses you.
A visit may appear simple, but it may mean a great deal to a parent who feels lonely.
If your relationship with your mother is difficult, you do not have to pretend that every experience has been positive. You can acknowledge painful experiences while seeking wise and appropriate ways to fulfil your responsibilities.
The purpose of this Qur’anic reminder is to encourage gratitude, mercy, and reflection.
5. KINDNESS DOES NOT MEAN BLIND OBEDIENCE
An important part of the Qur’anic guidance on parents is that it recognises the limits of obedience.
Allah says:
“But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness…” — Qur’an 31:15.
The verse addresses a situation in which parents pressure their child to commit shirk, associating partners with Allah.
The principle is clear: a Muslim must not obey a parent in disobedience to Allah. Yet refusing an impermissible request does not automatically remove the responsibility to treat the parent kindly.
This distinction is important.
What if your parents ask you to lie, participate in wrongdoing, or abandon a religious obligation?
You should not commit a sin simply because the request comes from your parents.
However, you should seek to refuse respectfully rather than turning the disagreement into an opportunity for insults or humiliation.
You might explain your position calmly and, where possible, offer an alternative that does not involve wrongdoing.
Islam teaches us to honour our parents while remaining faithful to our obligations towards Allah.
This balance protects us from two extremes: blindly following every request regardless of its consequences, and using disagreement as an excuse to behave disrespectfully.
You can disagree with your parents without abandoning your principles or abandoning good character.
6. WHAT IF YOUR PARENTS HURT YOU?
Not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents.
Some people grew up in loving homes, while others experienced neglect, harsh treatment, emotional wounds, or unfair expectations.
For some, the subject of honouring parents brings gratitude. For others, it brings painful memories and difficult questions.
Does Islam require a person to remain silent when a parent treats them unjustly?
Does respect mean accepting every harmful behaviour?
The Qur’anic command to treat parents with kindness does not mean that parents are incapable of wrongdoing. Parents are human beings, and human beings can make mistakes.
You can recognise your responsibilities towards your parents while also acknowledging your own feelings, needs, and rights.
You can respectfully explain that a particular action has hurt you. You can seek advice from a trustworthy scholar, counsellor, or mediator when family conflicts become difficult to manage.
Where there is abuse, coercion, or a genuine threat to your safety, you may need to establish firm boundaries and seek appropriate protection.
Respect does not require you to pretend that harm has not occurred, nor does it require you to remain in danger.
At the same time, painful experiences should not automatically lead us to believe that every possible form of kindness or reconciliation is impossible.
Each situation requires wisdom and careful consideration.
Sometimes, a healthier relationship may be possible through honest communication and changed behaviour. In other cases, appropriate boundaries may be necessary.
The important lesson is to seek a path that protects your well-being while helping you fulfil your religious responsibilities as appropriately as possible.
7. DO NOT FORGET YOUR FATHER’S RIGHTS
The Qur’anic command to treat parents well applies to both mothers and fathers.
While the Qur’an specifically highlights a mother’s experience of pregnancy, it also repeatedly instructs us to show kindness to parents generally.
Fathers may contribute through provision, protection, guidance, emotional support, and other forms of care. Their experiences and circumstances differ, but their rights should not be overlooked.
Some fathers express affection openly, while others find it difficult to communicate their emotions. Some are consistently present, while others have made mistakes that affect their relationships with their children.
These differences may influence how a relationship develops, but they do not justify treating a parent with unnecessary contempt.
If your father is alive, consider whether you make an effort to check on him, listen to him, and assist him when you can.
If he is growing older, he may need help with practical tasks, appointments, or everyday responsibilities.
If your relationship is strained, you may need time and wise guidance to determine how best to move forward.
The Qur’anic principle remains that parents deserve kindness, while obedience to them must remain within the limits set by Allah.
8. CARE FOR YOUR PARENTS AS THEY GROW OLDER
One of the most touching aspects of Qur’an 17:23 is its specific reference to parents reaching old age.
Allah instructs us not to express even the slightest contempt towards them and commands us to speak to them with noble words.
Why is this reminder so important?
Because old age can bring changes that require patience and adjustment.
A parent who once carried you may eventually need assistance walking.
A father who once managed the family’s responsibilities may need help with appointments, finances, or everyday tasks.
A mother who once cared for everyone may eventually need someone to care for her.
These changes can require time, patience, and emotional strength.
You may be balancing work, marriage, children, financial pressures, and other responsibilities. Caring for parents can become demanding, especially when their needs increase.
Acknowledging these challenges does not mean neglecting your parents. It means recognising the need for practical support and realistic arrangements.
If you cannot provide every form of assistance yourself, you may still be able to coordinate care, arrange appropriate help, contribute according to your means, or make sure their needs are not ignored.
Do not humiliate your parents because they have become dependent on you.
Do not treat their questions as an unnecessary burden simply because you have heard them before.
And do not assume that their reduced independence makes their opinions or feelings unimportant.
The people who once cared for us deserve dignity when they begin to need care themselves.
9. MAKE DU’A FOR YOUR PARENTS
The Qur’an teaches us to pray for our parents with a beautiful supplication.
Allah says:
“My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” — Qur’an 17:24.
This du’a connects our request for Allah’s mercy with our memory of the care our parents provided.
It reminds us that we should not only express gratitude through our actions but also remember our parents in our prayers.
We can ask Allah to forgive them, guide them, ease their difficulties, grant them good health, and reward them for their efforts.
Here is the Qur’anic supplication:
You can make this supplication during your prayers and at other appropriate times.
If your parents have passed away, you can continue making du’a for them, asking Allah to forgive them and grant them mercy.
You may also give charity on their behalf, as supported by authentic hadith evidence.
Never underestimate the value of remembering your parents in your prayers. Even when you cannot solve every problem they face, you can turn to Allah and ask Him to grant them goodness.
10. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR PARENTS TO APPRECIATE THEM
One of life’s painful realities is that we sometimes recognise the value of something more clearly when it is no longer available to us.
We postpone a phone call because we are busy. We ignore a message because we intend to respond later. We delay a visit because we assume there will always be another opportunity.
Sometimes, there will be another opportunity.
Sometimes, there will not.
If your parents are alive, consider what you can do today to express your gratitude.
Call them when you can. Ask how they are feeling. Listen to their concerns. Help with an errand. Spend time with them when circumstances permit.
If you have spoken harshly to them, consider whether an apology is appropriate.
If you have been distant, consider whether you can begin rebuilding the relationship in a realistic and healthy way.
You do not need to wait for a birthday, a celebration, or a special occasion to show that you care.
And if your relationship has been difficult or unsafe, seek wise guidance about what appropriate kindness and boundaries can look like in your circumstances.
Love is not always expressed through expensive gifts or financial support. Sometimes, it is expressed through patience, attention, respectful communication, and a willingness to listen.
11. HOW TO HONOUR YOUR PARENTS AFTER THEIR DEATH
For those whose parents have passed away, the responsibility to remember them does not end with their death.
Although you can no longer visit them or speak with them in this world, you can continue to ask Allah to grant them mercy.
You can make du’a for their forgiveness, give charity on their behalf, and maintain good relationships with their relatives and friends in ways that are appropriate.
You can also reflect on the good lessons they taught you and continue practising those lessons in your own life.
If you have regrets about things you wish you had said or done, turn to Allah in repentance and ask Him for mercy.
Grief can bring memories of missed opportunities, difficult conversations, and words left unspoken. These feelings can be painful, but they do not have to prevent you from doing good now.
Continue making du’a for your parents.
Seek Allah’s mercy for them and for yourself.
Let their lives remind you of the importance of gratitude, kindness, and fulfilling your responsibilities while you have the opportunity.
12. TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO RESPECT THEIR PARENTS BY SETTING AN EXAMPLE
Children learn not only from what adults tell them but also from what they observe.
If they see us treating our own parents with contempt, they may struggle to understand why we expect them to show respect.
If they see us speaking respectfully, helping when we can, and handling disagreements with patience, they have a practical example to follow.
This does not mean that children should be taught to tolerate abuse or that every family relationship must be presented as perfect.
Rather, they should learn the Islamic principles of kindness, justice, gratitude, and appropriate boundaries.
Teach them that parents deserve good treatment, but that obedience to anyone does not justify committing a sin.
Teach them to disagree without insulting, help without arrogance, and recognise the dignity of older people.
Most importantly, demonstrate the values you want them to practise.
Family relationships are strengthened not through instructions alone but through consistent actions, compassion, and mutual responsibility.
CONCLUSION: HONOUR YOUR PARENTS WHILE YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
The Qur’anic guidance on treating our parents teaches us important lessons about faith, gratitude, humility, and responsibility.
We should not allow our pursuit of success to make us forget those who cared for us. We should not allow frustration to turn into contempt. We should not confuse independence with superiority or disagreement with permission to behave cruelly.
Allah commands us to treat our parents with kindness, speak to them respectfully, approach them with humility, and pray for them.
At the same time, the Qur’an teaches that obedience to parents has limits when they call us towards disobedience to Allah. Difficult family relationships may also require wise guidance, appropriate boundaries, and protection from harm.
The goal is not to pretend that every parent is perfect or that every relationship is easy. It is to fulfil our responsibilities with sincerity, wisdom, and good character.
If your parents are alive, do not postpone every expression of gratitude. Call them. Listen to them. Help them according to your ability. Speak with respect. Remember them in your du’a.
If your relationship is difficult, seek a path that protects your well-being while helping you fulfil your religious responsibilities appropriately.
If your parents have passed away, continue remembering them in your prayers and asking Allah to grant them mercy.
Above all, remember that honouring your parents is not only about what you say when other people are watching. It is also about the choices you make when you are tired, frustrated, busy, or tempted to respond harshly.
Do not wait for regret before learning to appreciate the people Allah has placed in your life.
May Allah grant our parents good health, peace, guidance, and abundant mercy.
May He forgive their shortcomings, reward their sacrifices, and ease their difficulties.
May He help us treat them with kindness, speak to them with respect, and fulfil our responsibilities towards them in ways that please Him.
May Allah have mercy upon our parents as they cared for us when we were small, and may He grant mercy to those who have passed away.
Ameen.
