Have you ever wondered why some children who grew up in Muslim homes eventually become distant from Islam?
Why do some children who were raised by Muslim parents, attended Islamic schools, memorised portions of the Qur’an and grew up hearing the call to prayer gradually lose interest in practising their religion?
Why do some young Muslims begin questioning the very faith their parents spent years trying to teach them?
Why do some children grow up associating Islam with fear, punishment, criticism and pressure rather than love, mercy, guidance and spiritual fulfilment?
These are difficult questions, but they deserve serious attention.
As Muslim parents, we often worry about the future of our children. We want them to pray regularly, read the Qur’an, dress modestly, respect their elders, avoid prohibited activities and grow into responsible Muslims.
We remind them about Salah. We tell them to attend Islamic lessons. We correct their behaviour and encourage them to follow Islamic teachings.
But while we are busy correcting our children, how often do we examine ourselves?
Do our children see us practising what we teach?
Do they see us praying consistently, speaking kindly, dealing honestly with people and demonstrating patience when things go wrong?
Or do they hear us preaching about Islam while witnessing behaviour that contradicts everything we tell them?
Sometimes, parents become so focused on making their children appear religious that they forget the importance of helping them develop a genuine love for Allah and His religion.
A child may memorise many Islamic teachings but struggle to understand the beauty of Islam because the behaviour they experience at home does not reflect the mercy and character they are being taught.
This is not to suggest that every child who becomes distant from Islam is the fault of their parents. Children grow up with different experiences, influences and personal choices. Every individual is ultimately accountable for their own decisions.
However, parents have an enormous responsibility in shaping the environment in which their children develop.
We cannot continually demand that our children become good Muslims while refusing to examine the example we are setting before them.
1. Children Learn More From What Parents Do Than What They Say
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is believing that religious upbringing is achieved simply by giving instructions.
We tell our children to pray, but do they regularly see us protecting our own Salah?
We tell them not to lie, but do they hear us making dishonest excuses?
We tell them to respect people, but how do we speak to domestic workers, relatives, neighbours and people who cannot offer us anything in return?
We tell them to avoid backbiting, but do they hear us discussing the private affairs of others?
We tell them to be grateful, but do they constantly hear us complaining about what Allah has not given us?
Children observe more than we realise.
They notice our attitudes, habits, reactions and relationships with other people.
A parent may spend hours telling a child that Islam teaches honesty, but if that child regularly watches the parent deceive customers or cheat people in business, the lesson becomes confusing.
A father may insist that his son attends the mosque while rarely making time for his own prayers.
A mother may constantly remind her daughter about modesty while displaying arrogance, harshness or dishonesty in her dealings with others.
This contradiction can weaken the credibility of the message being taught.
Allah says:
“O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do?”
Surah As-Saff 61:2
The following verse warns against saying what we do not practise.
These verses should make every Muslim parent reflect.
Before demanding that our children become better Muslims, we must ask whether we are making a sincere effort to become better Muslims ourselves.
Religious upbringing begins with the example we demonstrate at home.
2. Turning Islam Into a Tool of Fear Can Push Children Away
Another reason some children develop negative feelings towards religious practice is the way Islam is introduced to them.
Some parents rely almost entirely on threats, punishments and frightening warnings.
Whenever a child makes a mistake, they are reminded of punishment in the grave, the Fire of Hell or the consequences of disobedience.
While teaching children about accountability and the Hereafter is important, religious education should not consist entirely of fear.
Children also need to understand the mercy of Allah, His forgiveness, His love for those who do good and the beauty of living according to His guidance.
They should learn that Salah is not simply something they must perform to avoid punishment. It is an opportunity to stand before their Creator.
They should understand that the Qur’an is not merely a book they are forced to read. It is guidance for their lives.
They should learn that modesty is not simply about avoiding criticism from their parents. It is part of obedience to Allah.
They should understand that good character is not something they practise only when their parents are watching.
Allah says:
“Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best.”
Surah An-Nahl 16:125
Although this verse addresses the broader responsibility of inviting people to Allah, it provides an important principle for parents.
Guidance should be communicated with wisdom, good instruction and appropriate manners.
There is a difference between correcting a child and humiliating them.
There is a difference between teaching accountability and making a child feel that they are beyond Allah’s mercy.
Parents should teach both the seriousness of disobedience and the vastness of Allah’s forgiveness.
A child needs to understand that when they make mistakes, they can repent, learn and return to Allah.
3. When Parents Practise Islam Outside but Abandon Good Character at Home
This is one of the most painful contradictions some children experience.
A father may be known in the community as a regular mosque attendee, but at home he is constantly angry, abusive or disrespectful towards his family.
A mother may be actively involved in Islamic activities but regularly humiliates her children, compares them with others or makes them feel worthless.
Some parents are gentle and respectful towards friends and strangers but become harsh and impatient when dealing with their own children.
They may speak beautifully in public about Islamic manners while their families experience something completely different behind closed doors.
This creates confusion.
Children may begin to associate religion with hypocrisy when the behaviour of those representing it in their lives repeatedly contradicts its teachings.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.”
Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 3895
This Hadith establishes an important standard.
A person’s character should not be measured only by how they behave in public.
It should also be measured by how they treat the people closest to them.
Being religious is not simply about attending the mosque, wearing Islamic clothing or quoting religious teachings.
It must also be reflected in patience, kindness, justice, compassion and good treatment of one’s family.
Dear parents, your children should not have to experience a completely different person at home from the one other people admire in public.
Let your home become a place where Islamic values are visible through your actions.
4. Comparing Children With Others Can Damage Their Confidence and Relationship With Islam
Some parents have a habit of constantly comparing their children with others.
They may say:
“Look at your friend’s son. He prays regularly. Why can’t you behave like him?”
“Your cousin has memorised the Qur’an. What have you achieved?”
“Other people’s daughters are more respectful than you.”
“Why can’t you be like the children of that family?”
Although parents may believe that comparison will motivate their children, it can sometimes produce the opposite effect.
Instead of encouraging improvement, constant comparison may create resentment, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy.
Every child has different strengths, challenges, personalities and developmental needs.
One child may learn quickly, while another requires more time.
One may be naturally confident, while another struggles with anxiety or communication.
One may develop an interest in Islamic studies early, while another needs more patient encouragement.
Parents should guide their children according to their abilities and circumstances rather than making them feel that they are constantly competing with others.
Allah says:
“Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.”
Surah Al-Hujurat 49:13
This verse reminds us that true honour is based on righteousness, not social status, family background or worldly achievements.
A child’s worth should never be reduced to how quickly they memorise the Qur’an, how well they perform academically or how favourably they compare with another child.
Encourage your children to improve themselves.
Celebrate their progress.
Correct their mistakes without destroying their confidence.
Help them understand that their relationship with Allah is personal and that sincerity matters.
5. Neglecting Children Emotionally While Demanding Religious Perfection
Some parents provide their children with food, clothing, education and financial support but pay very little attention to their emotional needs.
They may be physically present but emotionally unavailable.
They rarely ask their children how they feel, what challenges they are experiencing or what worries them.
They may not know who their children’s friends are, what they encounter online or what pressures they face outside the home.
Yet, they expect those children to grow into strong Muslims.
Religious upbringing requires more than supplying material necessities and giving instructions.
Children need attention, affection, guidance and a safe environment in which they can discuss difficult questions.
Imagine a teenager who is struggling with doubts about religion.
Instead of feeling comfortable discussing those doubts with their parents, the teenager remains silent because they fear being insulted, punished or labelled a bad Muslim.
Eventually, they may turn to unreliable sources online or people who are happy to exploit their confusion.
This is why parents must create opportunities for honest conversations.
Do not wait until your children are in serious trouble before trying to understand their lives.
Ask questions.
Listen carefully.
Allow them to express concerns respectfully.
If they ask difficult questions about Islam, do not automatically interpret every question as rebellion.
Sometimes, a child is simply searching for understanding.
Where you do not know the answer, acknowledge it and seek guidance from knowledgeable and trustworthy scholars.
Allah describes the family responsibility of believers:
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire…”
Surah At-Tahrim 66:6
Protecting our families includes teaching them about Allah and helping them understand how to live according to His guidance.
It also requires us to take their upbringing seriously rather than assuming that food, clothing and school fees are sufficient.
6. When Parents Demand Respect But Fail to Show Respect to Their Children
Respect is essential in Islamic family life.
Children are instructed to honour their parents, speak kindly to them and treat them with consideration.
However, parents must also understand that children have rights.
Being a parent does not give someone permission to insult, humiliate, intimidate or mistreat their children.
Some parents believe that because they are older, their children should never question them, express disagreement or explain their feelings.
They interpret every disagreement as disrespect.
As a result, children may grow up afraid to communicate honestly.
They may learn to hide their mistakes, conceal their problems and pretend that everything is fine simply to avoid their parents’ reactions.
This is not a healthy foundation for religious development.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) demonstrated kindness towards children.
He showed affection to them, treated them gently and corrected behaviour with wisdom.
Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet kissed Al-Hasan ibn Ali.
Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis remarked that he had ten children and had never kissed any of them.
The Prophet responded:
“Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.”
Sahih al-Bukhari 5997; Sahih Muslim 2318
This Hadith is a powerful reminder that mercy should be part of family relationships.
Children need discipline, but they also need affection.
They need correction, but they also need encouragement.
They need boundaries, but they also need to know that their parents genuinely care about them.
Do not make your children afraid of approaching you.
Become the kind of parent they can turn to when they are confused, frightened or struggling.
7. Forcing Religious Practices Without Building Understanding
There is an important difference between teaching children religious obligations and helping them understand the purpose behind those obligations.
Parents should teach their children Salah, fasting, modesty, honesty and other Islamic responsibilities.
However, religious upbringing should not become a process of forcing outward behaviour without nurturing understanding.
For example, a child may be instructed to pray every day but never taught the meaning of the words they recite.
They may be told to read the Qur’an but never encouraged to understand its message.
They may be told to fast during Ramadan but never helped to appreciate the spiritual lessons of patience, gratitude and self-discipline.
They may be told to give charity but never shown the importance of compassion towards people in need.
Over time, religious activities can become associated with pressure rather than meaningful worship.
Parents should make an effort to explain the wisdom behind Islamic teachings in ways appropriate to their children’s ages and understanding.
Help them appreciate why Muslims pray.
Teach them about the life of the Prophet.
Share stories of the Prophets and righteous people.
Explain how Islamic values apply to school, friendships, business, marriage and everyday decisions.
Most importantly, help them understand that Islam is not limited to rituals.
It is a complete way of life that shapes how we worship Allah and how we treat His creation.
8. Allowing Worldly Success to Become More Important Than Religious Development
Another problem in some Muslim homes is the disproportionate emphasis placed on academic and material achievement.
Parents spend considerable money on education, extracurricular activities, professional development and preparing their children for successful careers.
They want their children to become doctors, engineers, lawyers, business owners and respected professionals.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting children to succeed academically and professionally.
Islam encourages beneficial knowledge, responsible work and excellence.
However, problems arise when parents invest heavily in worldly development while giving very little attention to religious development.
A child may receive years of academic tuition but never develop a consistent relationship with the Qur’an.
They may be encouraged to pursue a prestigious career but receive little guidance about honesty, modesty, lawful earnings or their responsibilities before Allah.
They may be taught how to compete successfully in the world but not how to prepare for the Hereafter.
What is the value of raising a child who becomes financially successful but has no concern for Salah, good character or accountability before Allah?
Allah says:
“And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who fear Allah, so will you not reason?”
Surah Al-An’am 6:32
Parents should seek a balanced upbringing.
Give your children the education and skills they need to contribute positively to society, but also nurture their faith.
Help them understand that success is not measured only by certificates, professional titles, income or possessions.
A successful Muslim should strive for excellence in this life while preparing for the next.
9. The Influence of Parents’ Marital Relationship on Their Children’s Faith
The relationship between parents can significantly influence the environment in which children grow up.
Children observe how their parents communicate, resolve disagreements and treat each other.
When a father constantly humiliates the mother, or a mother regularly insults the father, children witness behaviour that can shape their understanding of marriage and family life.
When arguments become aggressive, disrespectful or abusive, the home may become a place of anxiety rather than peace.
Some parents demand that their children respect Islamic family values while failing to demonstrate those values in their own marriage.
Children may begin questioning why the religion they are taught to follow appears disconnected from the behaviour they observe at home.
Islam encourages kindness, justice and good treatment between spouses.
Allah says:
“And live with them in kindness.”
Surah An-Nisa 4:19
This verse addresses husbands’ treatment of their wives, establishing kindness as an important marital responsibility.
A peaceful and respectful marriage can provide children with a valuable example of Islamic character.
Parents will not always agree.
Disagreements are a normal part of family life.
But children should see that disagreements can be handled with dignity, patience and mutual respect.
Do not allow your marital conflicts to become the foundation of your children’s understanding of family life and religion.
10. Children Also Need Protection From Harmful External Influences
Although parents must examine their own behaviour, we should also recognise that the world outside the home has a powerful influence on children.
Today, children are exposed to enormous amounts of information through smartphones, social media, online entertainment, peer groups and digital communities.
Some of these influences can challenge their beliefs, values and understanding of Islam.
They may encounter misinformation about religion, inappropriate content, harmful ideologies and people who ridicule Islamic practices.
Parents cannot control every experience their children will have, but they can prepare them to navigate these challenges.
This requires more than banning devices or criticising everything children encounter online.
Parents should build relationships in which children feel comfortable discussing what they see and hear.
They should teach critical thinking, provide reliable Islamic knowledge and help children distinguish between authentic religious teachings and misleading claims.
They should also understand the digital environment in which their children are growing up.
A parent who refuses to understand the world their child experiences may struggle to provide meaningful guidance.
Remember that protecting children is not only about restricting harmful influences. It is also about equipping them with the knowledge, confidence and values to make good decisions when parents are not present.
11. It Is Never Too Late for Parents to Correct Their Mistakes
Perhaps, after reading this article, some parents may recognise that they have made mistakes.
Perhaps they have been too harsh.
Perhaps they have neglected their children’s emotional needs.
Perhaps they have relied on threats rather than patient teaching.
Perhaps they have demanded religious consistency without demonstrating it themselves.
Perhaps their children have already become distant from Islamic practice.
The important thing is not to remain trapped in guilt.
Islam teaches us that sincere repentance and positive change are always possible while we are alive.
Parents should be humble enough to acknowledge their mistakes.
If you have hurt your child, apologise.
If you have been too harsh, change your approach.
If you have neglected their needs, make time for them.
If you have failed to demonstrate good Islamic character, begin correcting yourself.
Do not assume that apologising to your child will reduce your authority.
Sometimes, it is one of the strongest examples of humility and good character you can demonstrate.
Allah says:
“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.'”
Surah Az-Zumar 39:53
Parents should also remember that guidance ultimately belongs to Allah.
Even Prophets experienced the difficulty of seeing people they loved refuse guidance.
Allah reminded the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):
“Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills.”
Surah Al-Qasas 28:56
This verse reminds us that parents can teach, encourage, advise and provide good examples, but they cannot control another person’s heart.
Our responsibility is to make sincere efforts, seek Allah’s help and continue guiding our children with wisdom and patience.
12. What Can Muslim Parents Do Differently?
If we want our children to grow up with a strong relationship with Allah, we must be intentional about the environment we create at home.
Here are practical steps every Muslim parent should consider.
1. Become the example you want your children to follow.
Protect your prayers, speak honestly, treat people kindly and demonstrate good Islamic character.
2. Make Islam part of everyday family life.
Discuss Islamic values naturally at home rather than limiting religious conversations to moments when children make mistakes.
3. Teach with love and wisdom.
Correct wrongdoing without humiliation. Explain religious obligations and help children understand their importance.
4. Listen before judging.
Give children opportunities to express their concerns and ask questions. Do not automatically interpret every disagreement as rebellion.
5. Spend quality time with your children.
Build relationships through conversation, shared activities and meaningful family experiences.
6. Praise positive behaviour.
Recognise improvements in their worship, honesty, kindness and personal development.
7. Avoid hypocrisy.
Do not demand standards from your children that you consistently refuse to practise yourself.
8. Create a home where Salah and Qur’an are valued.
Let your children experience the beauty of Islamic worship through your example and family routines.
9. Monitor their friendships and digital influences.
Understand their social environment and guide them without relying entirely on punishment and restrictions.
10. Make du’a for your children consistently.
Ask Allah to guide them, protect their faith, grant them good character and make them among His righteous servants.
13. Never Underestimate the Power of a Parent’s Du’a
One of the most beautiful responsibilities of Muslim parents is making sincere supplication for their children.
We should never become so occupied with correcting their mistakes that we forget to ask Allah to guide their hearts.
We should pray for their faith, character, health, knowledge, protection and future.
The Qur’an records the beautiful supplication of Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him):
“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication.”
Surah Ibrahim 14:40
This is a powerful supplication for Muslim parents.
We should also reflect on the prayer of the righteous servants of Allah:
“Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.”
Surah Al-Furqan 25:74
Notice that this supplication does not simply ask for children who are wealthy, academically successful or socially respected.
It asks Allah for spouses and children who become a source of comfort through their righteousness.
Dear parents, never underestimate the importance of making du’a for your children.
Pray for them when they are young.
Pray for them when they become teenagers.
Pray for them when they leave home.
Pray for them when they make mistakes.
Pray for them when they are doing well.
Continue asking Allah to guide them throughout their lives.
CONCLUSION: BEFORE YOU CORRECT YOUR CHILDREN, EXAMINE YOURSELF
Dear brothers and sisters, raising righteous children is one of the greatest responsibilities Allah has entrusted to parents.
We all want our children to grow up as Muslims who love Allah, establish Salah, respect others, speak truthfully and live according to the teachings of Islam.
But we must understand that religious upbringing requires more than instructions, punishments and expectations.
Our children need examples they can follow.
They need parents who demonstrate patience, honesty, kindness and humility.
They need homes where Islam is experienced as guidance, mercy and a way of life.
They need parents who understand that correcting mistakes is important, but nurturing love for Allah is equally important.
Do not be the parent who constantly demands that their children pray while neglecting their own prayers.
Do not be the parent who teaches honesty but practises deception.
Do not be the parent who demands respect while humiliating family members.
Do not be the parent who speaks about the mercy of Allah but rarely shows mercy to their own children.
And do not make your children afraid to approach you when they are struggling with their faith.
Remember that your children are an amanah (trust) from Allah.
You will be accountable for how you fulfil your responsibilities towards them.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.”
Sahih al-Bukhari 893; Sahih Muslim 1829
This Hadith reminds us that responsibility begins with those entrusted with the care and leadership of others.
Parents should therefore take their responsibility seriously.
Let us raise children who do not simply know Islamic rules but understand their wisdom, appreciate their beauty and develop a sincere relationship with Allah.
Let us become parents whose actions reinforce their words.
Let our homes become places where children experience the mercy, compassion and good character that Islam teaches.
And when we make mistakes, let us have the humility to acknowledge them and improve.
May Allah make our children the coolness of our eyes, protect them from harmful influences, strengthen their faith, grant us wisdom in raising them and make us examples of good Islamic character. May He forgive our shortcomings as parents and guide our families towards what pleases Him. Ameen.
